New Joke Thread

[Currahee]

well US, I see it's on again
I've posted this before but not on this forum--one of my fav's:

Did you hear that a tornado struck the men's athletic dormitory @ texas a&m?

caused over a million dollars worth of improvements!

 

[Currahee]

How do you get a Texas A & M graduate off your front porch?
      You pay for your pizza!
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An Aggie went riding, and everything was going fine until the horse suddenly started bouncing out of control. He tried to hang on, but with a foot caught in the stirrup, he fell off head-first. With his head bouncing up and down, the horse didn't even slow down. And just as the Aggie was giving up hope and losing consciousness, a Kmart employee came out and unplugged it.

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How can you tell an Aggie airliner when it's snowing?
     They're the ones with chains on the propellers.

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A 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery near College Station. The Aggie fire department uncovered 700 bodies.

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The teachers at A&M were having their weekly staff meeting when one teacher spoke up and said "Do you people realize we have a student here who has been attending classes for over nine years and he still hasn't received a degree???"

Why no we didn't know that . What can we do? We don't want A&Mto get a bad name. I know, one teacher said, "Let's gather all the students at Kyle field and give this guy a pop test. Something simple he can't possibly miss, and then we will hand him his diploma."

The next day everyone was gathered in the stadium. The teacher announced over the PA system, now son if you can answer this question, you will become a graduate of Texas A&M. Okay?

Okay he said.

Now take your time and answer this. How much is 3 plus 4? The student became deep in thought for a long period of time. Finally he spoke. The answer is 7!

The crowd went into an uproar and started hollering, whooping, and chanting, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE !

 

[BigRay]

A hound dawg wearing a  sheriff badge limps into a bar....taking a hard look across the bar at the people....he limps up to the bar....bartender ask the sheriff if he was needing anything special....
Sheriff replies.... I'm looking for the man that shot my paw...


  yeah i know....couldn't resist a stinker like that

[CupOJoe]

Cheesy joke time:

Whadda ya get when ya play country music backwards?

You get yer dawg back, yer house back, yer wife back....

 

[Hoffa]

With football season fast approaching......

I went into a bar the other day, and there was a guy sitting there with a small dog.  The dog was intently watching the Seattle Seahawks play.  For most of the game the dog looked kind of sad, but finally late in the 4th quarter, the Seachickens kicked a field goal.  The dog did 3 back flips, wagged his tail and proceded to bark repeatedly.  I thought to myself wow the little dog is really a hawks fan.  So I asked the owner of the dog what he did when the Seahwks scored a touchdown.  He replied, I don't know, I have only owned him for 6 years 

budump bump....

[Lt.Jat]

How do you get a one armed Aggie out of a tree?
Wave at him.

 

ROFL!!!!!!!


I got one.

IN a bar mid way up a 20 story building this drunk guy says "i bet i can fly out the window into the room below and fly back up" and everyone thinks he is drunk. so he does it. one guy asks "how'd you do that?!" and the guy says "the wind sorta just carries you" so the other guy tries it, falls, and dies. Then the bartender says (wait for it wait for it)

"superman, your such a jerk when your drunk" 

[CupOJoe]

hehehe 

[BigRay]

Funny but true

I was crusing in my Patrol car one snowy night.
Stopped at the corner, was leaning forward so i
could see around the snow piled up by the plow truck.
All a sudden, the interior of my car lite up form the headlights
coming up behind me...    WHAM
My car slid across the intersection. I was instantly mad.
Someone just hit my new patrol car.
When i got out and asked him what in the world was his problem.
He walked up to me and says

I was just trying to get your attention.

He was a walk away from the mental hospital driving a stolen truck.

[BigRay]

This one is to make up for the last one.....lol


The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[BigRay]

Never mess with a Marine!

An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and say
"Sir, there's a Marine standing in the way of the road".
The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine.
They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge
 on the side of the road and motions for them to follow.
As the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they hear yelling and screaming.
The Marine emerges a couple minutes later and dusts himself off
 and again stands in the middle of the road.
The Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil Dog.
He again heads down to s small ridge and they follow.
Once again there is blood-curdling screaming and weeping.
And AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.
Bewildered and mad as heck, the Lt. sends all but his platoon Sgt. down and says
"Eliminate that man". They run towards him and again follow him to the ridge.
The screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes running up,
bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and says
"What the heck is going on out there soldier?"
Gasping for breath the soldier replies,
"Its a trick sir!! There's two of em."

[CupOJoe]

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

GUFFAW!!

Gosh, that was FUNNY! 

[=BINLUGIE=]

that was funny.

 this really happen. my son was giving directions to his girlfriends parents house. he told me to take double b highway. she interrupted and said andy you take bb highway.   yep she will fit right in on my side of the familly.


bin

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

Heard this one on the radio a few days ago taken from a stand up sketch from Steve Martin and I'm paraphrasing it since I don't remember it all...just the set up and the punchline.

I had to give my cat a bath a few days ago.  Its not as dangerous proposition as it sounds, but the hair on my tounge took hours to get out.

[CupOJoe]

No matter how ridiculous - that is pure talent. The end (short man) was crazy funny. Thanks for posting it, 1I!

 

[Currahee]

that was phunny 1i, thx for posting it