New Joke Thread

[=JHF= OneEye]

i admitted i was wrong, JT busted me(what else would you expect from a mac user w/ so much time on his hands that he actually checks for proper spelling!!?lol )but that doesn't mean i had to leave it that way! 

[=JHF= JimmyT (CDN)]

This was not a  matter of effort on my part, I simply happened to notice it... bad spelling sometimes just jumps out at you! 

If the situation was reversed, I would have edited my mistake as well...  which is exactly why I quoted you OneEye! 

-- JT

[CupOJoe]

bad spelling sometimes just jumps out at you!

Why, yes...yes ti do.
 

[=JHF= OneEye]

i would've done the same thing JT!  it was a fair bust.  i got caught trying to be funny!  I lose!lol

[=JHF= JimmyT (CDN)]

I don't want to have this experience deter you from attempting to be funny in the future though!! 

Well, nobody lost an eye, so its all good.   

-- JT

[Currahee]

we now return to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress....

...so the elaphant says: I WAS FLYING     ROFL


 

[Currahee]

here's another:

Q)
How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A)
12,001    That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out

[Widowmaker]

A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" " Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly. The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers... "UNHOOK...MY...SUSPENDERS..FROM...YOUR...SIDE VIEW....MIRROR!"

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

Found this one a site I visit often, and got a good laugh out of it.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

And here is another

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Currahee]

rofl Socks

[Dethret]

Cheeseburger walks into a bar, the bartender say's we don't serve food here.

[w4j_disciple™]

Cheeseburger walks into a bar, the bartender say's we don't serve food here.

That is so silly it is actually funny.  Good one Hans 

w4j

[Joab]

This one has religious undertones so read at your own risk. (Taken from readers digest this month, but not word for word)

A bunch of squirrels infest a small town and take up residence in three of the towns church buildings. One group met and decided the it was the Lord"s will that the squirrles be there, they were predestined to be there so they did nothing about it and the squirrels took over that church building. A second group decided to pray about the squirrels. THey held weekly prayer meetings, but the squirrels continued to reproduce and eventually took over that church building as well. THe third group decided to baptized the squirrels and add them to the roll of the church. Sure enough, now they only see those squirrels on Easter and Christmas.

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

Things to do with your AOL Disks.
 

At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children play with.
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars.
Halloween treat.
Firewood.
Paper weights.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
Put them on car windshields at the mall.
Hand them out as party favors.
House insulation.
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Hood ornament.
Give them as stocking stuffers.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Comp USA underwater.
Baby mobile.
Fence (may need a few thousand).

[CupOJoe]

Fence (may need a few thousand).

Could'a been there if I'd a saved 'em. 

Good un Sox.