New Joke Thread

[=JHF= Astromarmot]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
 
 
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
 
 
Ever wonder why?














It's because she smells like a New Truck

[=JHF= Madindian]

ROFL Astro, even my wife liked that one.

[=JHF= Smoke]

great bud light commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ew9cEATPzDE

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. And being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[=JHF= Cpt. Schnizel]

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1774718

this was a pretty cruel but somewhat funny prank, some of you might enjoy...I think there is a bad word or two toward the end as a warning.

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

                                                            - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 

- Eleanor Roosevelt 

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 

- Mark Twain 

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 

- George Burns 

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 

- Victor Borge 

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 

-  Mark Twain 

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By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 

- Socrates

 

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 

- Groucho Marx

 

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe. 

- Jimmy Durante

 

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I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds. 

-  Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.. 

-  Alex Levine

 

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

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Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 

- Spike Milligan

 

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 

- Joe Namath

 

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 

- Bob Hope

 

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 

- W. C. Fields

 

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress 

- Will Rogers

 

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you. 

- Winston Churchill

 

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 

- Phyllis Diller

 

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere 

- Billy Crystal

 

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And the cardiologist's diet:  - If it tastes good, spit it out.

[=JHF= Madindian]

You can't make this stuff up!

   
  

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

My brother sent this to me.  The funny thing is his wife IS the only employee for Goldman Sachs in China.

Somali Pirates Say They Are Subsidiary of Goldman Sachs
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report) - Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.

There was an audible gasp in court when the leader of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."

The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis' work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.

"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday," the pirate said.
The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, "plus to get our share of the bailout money."

In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.

"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates," one government source said. "But if they're bankers, our hands are tied."

[=JHF= Luxxord]

Got this in my inbox:


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

This is just wrong!


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[=JHF= JimmyT (CDN)]

This is just wrong!

A few of the ones around here have had "WIDE LOAD" in the back window.  GREAT cars to parallel park though!   

-- JT

[Hoffa]

Or carry in your back pack to save on parking 

[=JHF= Luxxord]

I better not tell you what I drive then lol.

[=JHF= OBMer]

What is YOUR favorite animal ?


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what  happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal  was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

[=JHF= Astromarmot]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of
the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years