New Joke Thread

[Paladin]

Hi all,

I just heard this one and had to pass it along:

A cardinal who never will become Pope.

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.

No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

[Kilgore Trout]

Huge Huge Groan  LOL

Trout

[=JHF= OneEye]

A golfer was having a bad day on the final round of a tournament when he hooked his 8th tee-shot into the tallest possible grass in the rough.  As he was searching for his ball he came upon a leprechaun who offered to help improve the golfer's game.  The only catch was that every time the golfer recieved help it took one year off his love life.  The golfer accepted the leprechaun's help and came from behind to win the tournament.  The leprechaun approached the golfer and informed him he had helped him ten times and would be taking ten years off his love life.  When the leprechaun asked the golfer his name, the golfer replied "Father O'Malley!"

[KiBbles]

rofl

[w4j_disciple™]

Pregnant blonde........
 
 
 
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other
day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I
thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
 
I said"Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
 
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been
trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told
her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
 
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more.
 
"I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
 
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I
Asked her how she knew. She said,
 
 
 
(You're going to love this!)
 
 
 
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack
home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

[=JHF= chewyoda aka "Peaches"]

thats hilarious   

[Currahee]

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumpercables draped around his neck.  The Bartender eyes him, shakes his head and says "Ok, you can stay...but don't start nothin" 

[Hans Blix]

!boo


( )

[Hoffa]

lol 

[=JHF= JimmyT (CDN)]

Hahaha! 

[=JHF= OneEye]

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumpercables draped around his neck.  The Bartender eyes him, shakes his head and says "Ok, you can stay...but don't start nothin" 

i heard the last guy that did that got in trouble for jumping someone!(don't forget to laugh!hahahahaha)

[=JHF= UsualSuspect]

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Two Arkansasians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

UsualSuspect   

[Joab]

Those were fun. Thanks fellers

[=JHF= Veritas]

I have heard both of those i think US but you are using the wrong "A" word should be aggie i think  .

[Hans Blix]

How do you get a one armed Aggie out of a tree?
Wave at him.