New Joke Thread

[=JHF= Astromarmot]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, to talk.”

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to law school, and now serves in WashingtonD.C. as a Congressman.

[=JHF= LostSoul1904]

LOLOL!!!

[=JHF= JimmyT (CDN)]

Its funny unless you were blue.   

[=JHF= LostSoul1904]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."




A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that's right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes... a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.




This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[=JHF= WarriorPiper]

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumpercables draped around his neck.  The Bartender eyes him, shakes his head and says "Ok, you can stay...but don't start nothin" 

ROFL!

[=JHF= -gHoTi-]

Why can't a bike stand on it's own?







because it's two tired!



grooooaan

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

Nemo, that was one of he worst jokes I've seen.  Reminds me of the jokes my 9 year-old niece was telling over the summer.

[=JHF= JimmyT (CDN)]

Don't listen to sox fishy - that joke is so bad that I wish I had told it.  You know how bad that makes it.   You should be applauded for posting the 2nd worst joke ever!   

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

Hey at least my bad joke was a pun.

[=JHF= -gHoTi-]

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey!  Don't you start anything!"


ahhhhhahaha

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

TWODAYS' PUN!

[=JHF= HaveSocks]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found the papers where my wife filed for a divorce and then my dog bit me."

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jerk, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[=JHF= Madindian]

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength.

He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

 

[=JHF= LostSoul1904]

ROFLMAO!!! nice one Mad!

[=JHF= Madindian]

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."